A New Path

Another night of no sleep, my second-hand bed cold and uncomfortable. Nothing feels right and I toss and turn for hours, finally getting up, unable to bear being alone with my own thoughts anymore. I try to distract my brain from circling around and around in the same grotty path that leads to me wanting to punch something. Porno mags don’t appeal right now, and the telly has fuck-all on this time of night. There’s cartons piled all around, but I tell myself this isn’t my real life so there’s no point in unpacking them.

After a couple of hours of pacing, my body’s so knackered that all I can think about is getting some kip, but my brain is still racing, seeing my kids when she pulled away from the house, their faces blank, not understanding. God damnit! I can’t do this!

( I’m not going to live through this, I’m a rat-bag and I can’t do this. )