stuntie_jed: (shadow jed)
I rang the estate agents on Monday, and made an appointment with one of them to meet at the office and she’d take me round to some of the flats and lofts that they have on their listings.

I show up on time the next day and meet Sheila Morgan. She’d run a search of properties that I might like to look at. I’d told her on the phone that I wanted at least three bedrooms, didn’t much care about the bathrooms and no yard. Don’t want to fuck with it right now, have enough on my plate. I go over the list and eliminate a few, then we leave in her car. Part of the service, we use up her petrol on this hunt, not mine.

There’s a few lofts down by the inner harbor, nice enough, but somehow they don’t appeal. And we look at a couple of semi-detached in a retirement community where they take care of your yard for you.

I wink at her. “Don’t put me out to pasture, yet. Still got a few good years in me.”

She laughs, saying that it was just an option she thought she’d show me. We’re flirting mildly, nothing to it cause she's wearing rings, but she’s selling and I’m selling and a little give and take makes the whole process go easier.

“I have another property, but it’s a house, don’t know if it’s more than what you’re looking for, but there’s no yard, according to the listing.”

another blackout . . .  )
stuntie_jed: (black and white jed)
Howard insists we film today, then takes off, leaving us with the A.D., fucking bastard. I get into it though, glad of the hard work taking my mind off things. Too much piled up shit going on, between Glory and Dylan and everything else, I've just had enough.

And I'm getting nervous about the blackouts, had another one the day after Dylan died. Ran into Karl at the hotel, he was smiling and I said hello, and then . . . I blinked, and he was glaring at me. ”Get the fuck away from me, Jed. What the fuck’s your problem? You’re acting like a nutter.”

I’ve got no memory of saying anything off to him. I’m wondering if I've got a tumor or something else wrong with my head. I should see a doc, but I'm almost scared of the answer. If I'm gonna cark it from something gruesome, maybe I'd rather it just sneak up on me and pounce than sit there waiting for death to come get me.

How do you ease your grief? )

A New Path

Dec. 27th, 2005 03:47 pm
stuntie_jed: (shadow jed)
Another night of no sleep, my second-hand bed cold and uncomfortable. Nothing feels right and I toss and turn for hours, finally getting up, unable to bear being alone with my own thoughts anymore. I try to distract my brain from circling around and around in the same grotty path that leads to me wanting to punch something. Porno mags don’t appeal right now, and the telly has fuck-all on this time of night. There’s cartons piled all around, but I tell myself this isn’t my real life so there’s no point in unpacking them.

After a couple of hours of pacing, my body’s so knackered that all I can think about is getting some kip, but my brain is still racing, seeing my kids when she pulled away from the house, their faces blank, not understanding. God damnit! I can’t do this!

I’m not going to live through this, I’m a rat-bag and I can’t do this. )

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